Another unsolved mystery: Why can’t other races make Kool-Aid?

 

 My apologies for generalizing and being a hypocrite as I usually rage against racial generalizations with the utmost resolve because most are utter nonsense. Yet here I stand having become the very thing I despise. Of course, I know that not all black people are capable of concocting an exemplary cup of Kool-Aid. And of course, of course, of course, there are other races more than apt at making an exceptional batch of the well-known sugary elixir that was the staple of our childhoods.

  For example I once had the pleasure of knowing a southern ham roasting, sausage/gravy and biscuit cooking, vegetarian, pot smoking staunch right-wing conservative white woman who I’d be willing to bet could brew a hell of a cup of Kook-Aid(An untested theory as I never sampled her efforts but she  seemed to be an anomaly in every other right so…) but that’s just a guess and that’s precisely what the rest of this missive will be, guesswork mixed with my own very limited experiences.

  First things first I’m not just singling out white folks in my flavorless Kool-Aid tirade. I’ve actually met three Mexicans and a Puerto Rican (All of whom could throw down in the kitchen) who couldn’t make a passable cup of Kool-Aid. That’s right, the purveyors of spicy beans, rice, meat, and peppers couldn’t manage to mix sugar, water,  a flavor packet and food coloring. Tasting their efforts made me want to ask them, “Who hurt you?” I didn’t though because that would have been rude. Good news though. I’m not just here to make unfounded accusations and denunciations of other races’ Kool-Aid making prowess.

    Many black people, (especially the older ones) would have you simply eyeball the sugar to water ratio. While I’ve had countless years to master this technique others haven’t been so fortunate so I’ll go ahead and share a little secret. Now come on and lean in, make sure no one is around…you can, in fact, follow the instruction on the packet to create a flavorful cup of Kool-Aid. I know, I know, I know that you think you’ve been doing exactly that all these years but you haven’t. You’ve used the exact measure of sugar suggested on the package but…you’ve never bothered to calculate the sugar to water ratio. Also remember when using a larger picture you have to use two packets and double the amount of water AND SUGAR. If all else fails you can always add more water if it's to sweet but serve your guests before doing so because they should decide whether they want to add more water. Its only polite. Now go forth with your new found knowledge of Kool-Aid science. You’re welcome.