Why You Shouldn't Blame Becky with the Good Hair

Have you ever been cheated on by a boyfriend, and you blamed the other woman, the side chick, the #2 boo, or as Beyonce would put it, the "Becky with the good hair," for sleeping with your man?

If so, you've set women back.

The Real Home Wrecker

Many women will argue that the side chick is a home wrecker who deserves an "ass whooping." They say as a woman, too, she should have respected the relationship.

Yet, these same women won't throw an equal or higher amount of blame and responsibility on the man. Isn't he the one that made the "home" with you? Wouldn't that make him the true home wrecker?

Yes, and here's how.

Sometimes, She Really Didn't Know

There are times where the woman your man stepped out on you with had no idea about you. And is that really that hard to believe?

If he was able to lie to you, the woman he supposedly cares about, then, why wouldn't he be able to just as easily lie to this other woman?

So, just like you, she's been manipulated, lied to, and emotionally hurt. The pain felt isn't yours alone.

She's Not Dating You

Let's say "Becky" does know about you, by no means is she in the right, but she's not the one dating you.

She's not the one who says "I love you" to you in the morning and someone else at night. She's not the one lying to you about lying next to someone else.

She's not the one who calls you "Queen" then sneaks off to call "Princess." She's not the one who promised to commit to you, but selfishly commits the crime of betrayal.

He is. He is the person who needs to be held responsible.

Her Spot is Still Going to Be There

You've called the woman a "slut" and "hoe," confronted her, maybe even fought her.

Now, what? Do you feel better?

Maybe, but you've made her even more of an enemy than she might have been, or you've just made room for another side chick to side step her way into the open slot.

It's possible that he'll never cheat again, and cut all communication off with her, but history has shown us that most philanderers don't stop. It's a hard pill to swallow, but there was something about that woman he liked.

If He Cheats Again, Will You Stay?

Most women are entirely too quick to stay with a man after he cheats.

For some women, it's because:

1. they believe they need him and can't live without him.
2. they hate to be alone.
3. they are financial dependent on him.
4. they are convinced that all men cheat and that's just a behavior they have to accept.

None of these are reasons to stay. Once a man cheats, if you stay with him, you're giving him permission to do it again. I'll repeat: you're giving him permission to do it again.

He Sees a Few Tears Bring Forgiveness

By staying, you've shown him that that behavior is acceptable, and there aren't any real consequences for his actions. You may withhold sex for a while, ignore a few of his phone calls, but he still gets to be with you. He sees he only has to do a few things to get you to stay.

Men take different approaches like:

1. apologizing constantly
2. buying you lavish gifts
3. asking you to go to counseling with him
4. promising you a ring or a baby
5. transforming into your favorite R&B singer like Tank or R. Kelley, crying and singing to you all night
6. pulling a move from "Baby Boy" and going down on you for hours  

Either way, he knows he can do his begging act, tell you he loves you, and you're back wrapped around his finger.

Leave

The next time a man cheats on you, leave him. It won't be easy, but it's necessary.

Show him that you deserve better; that you deserve a man who is too afraid to lose you to ever step out, a man that loves you so much that he doesn't need anything extra, a man who doesn't see other women because they aren't you, a man who knows that you are everything...

If a man cheats, he doesn't know any of those things, which means he doesn't deserve to be in your presence, and if you allow him to stay you are doing yourself and all women a disservice.

We Can Change Things Together

For men's behavior to change, women as a whole have to show them that this behavior is no longer acceptable. We've done it before.

Look at how we shifted domestic abuse from an expected male behavior to a family issue to an unacceptable criminal act.

We have to attack this from both sides. Women have to refuse to get involved with a taken man, and women have to leave their man if he cheats. It's a two-sided coin and if we own both sides, we win no matter which side it lands on when flipped.

Men would start saying, "I was trying to mess around with this one sexy little thing, but she won't give me the time of day because I have a girl," or "Dang, every time I cheat, now, I lose my girl for good. I didn't think they'd actually leave. They used to always forgive me."

We could lessen all the pain and suffering women have to endure from the betrayal of finding out the man you love has been disloyal by doing the following:

1. Don't attack the woman he cheats with. Turn your anger toward the person responsible: him.
2. If he cheats, leave him. Giving fourth and fifth chances is helping him but not helping you.
3. Encourage other women to not play the side piece or the overly-forgiving main chick.

Things can change, but men aren't going to change them for us. We have the strength to do it. The question is: are you ready?