The Skinny on Health and Fitness from a Non-Fit Chick Perspective.
We asked Unfiltered Grind fans to hit us up, and let us know what you all would like to read about; here's one response we received:
Excellent Feedback, D.W.!
It's great that you're into physical fitness. A lot of people (men and women both) admire that in a partner; and there certainly are a ton of benefits that go along with leading a healthful, fit lifestyle besides just looking great naked. I don't think this is something women are necessarily unaware of though. In order to answer your question, I believe we have to first take a look at the whole picture: what is fitness, what does that lifestyle look like for men and for women, what other factors are at play in the choices people make in regards to what they choose to put into their bodies. Being physically fit is just a small sliver of what can be a huge, complex issue for most women. Other components include body image, the media, external pressures, unattainable expectations, mental health and self esteem.
Ideally, fitness would be born out of a holistic approach to wellness of body, mind and spirit.
Unfortunately however, a lot of women feel pressured to look a certain way starting very early in life. Studies and personal experiences have revealed that from very young ages, girls are exposed to negative images or talk surrounding their physical appearance. This only compounds as we get older, our bodies develop and we enter adulthood with a lifetime of baggage related to our bodies which, for the most part, we have little control over. While many women desperately want to be fit and to physically appear as the best possible versions of ourselves, the goals set for us are often unrealistic and that can be overwhelming.
One thing it is important to realize is that weight and body image are fights most women have been having with themselves, and the whole world their entire lives. This is a part of why when a lover or partner shows up with what seems like a harmless suggestion, it can blow up right in your face. Many women have been conditioned to be on guard when the topic of their bodies is raised, and so even a well meaning comment can feel like a intimate attack. When our significant other asks "hey babe, why don't you come to the gym with me." or some other fitness related question, we most often translate that to yet another person who doesn't think we're good enough, or that physically our bodies meet their expectations.
When we are with our lovers, it is often crucial for our self esteem to have them view us as sexy and desirable already, as we are. Suggesting that we work out or change our eating is usually interpreted as a message to the contrary. Even when that is not the intent. This can also change the dynamic or feel of a relationship.
For example, when a someone asks me out, I generally interpret that to mean that they find me attractive (and I think most people would agree). We start dating and that is still my impression; but after a while, this person begins to critique my lifestyle, fitness routine (or lack thereof) and eating habits. My initial response is going to be somewhere along the lines of 'hey, you sure didn't seem to have any complaints before!' Guys frequently complain about women trying to change them, and yet this seems to be just another example of that. The bottom line is that change comes from within, and is only ever successful when the person does it because it is what they truly desire.
A response such as the one mentioned above (I don't need to work out for you!) is actually a pretty fair response when you look at the scenario in this context. The person making that statement most likely means or feels that if they wanted to work out, they would. Plain and simple. They are an adult after all and therefore we can safely assume that the concept of working out and/or eating healthier foods is not completely unfamiliar to them. So this suggestion, albeit well-meaning enough, seems pretty presumptuous and condescending.
What you may not know about this person, is how much they already do or have worked out. You most likely do not know what sort of struggle they've already been through when it comes to whipping their body into what is considered presentable shape.
Let me just lay it out for you. You're not helping your girl by telling her she needs to work out, or get in shape or lose weight, ever. Trust and believe that your woman has thought about her body. She has agonized over her size and her shape more than you could probably ever imagine. Even a woman with a healthy sense of self esteem is prone to occasionally falling into the cycle of picking herself apart. No matter how confident a woman appears, she is not above or out of reach of the barrage of body shaming media and rhetoric that contributes to women having low self esteem, body shame and eating disorders.
What she doesn't need is to feel that shame or negativity coming from her partner.
When a woman says 'I don't need to work out.' that could also be another way of her letting you know that for once she just wants to relax and not obsess about her body. Her home and ideally her relationship, if nowhere else, should be a safe space where she can do just that. Understanding the layers of hurt and shame that are inextricably tied to body image, as well as getting to know her personal story can be the first step to meeting your partner in a place of love, rather than just piling on to their painful baggage. This could eventually lead to you two working together to pursue wellness in a way that builds each other up, and not tear the one another down.
Another possibility is that a woman may feel uncomfortable working out with their guy because they want to show up sexy, not on the way there. Society places a lot of stress on us to be flawless. But nobody is flawless, so all this means is that we have to get better at hiding the things we perceive as flaws. If your woman is saying she doesn't want to work out with you, one reason could be that she doesn't feel comfortable letting you see her struggle. She may not want to be evaluated or judged by you while she works out. She wants to appear before you with her smoking hot bod, clothed in radiant confidence, and have you appreciate the finished product. Not critique the work in progress. This is one way that women self objectify. We accept the roles laid out in media and society that we somehow owe it to the world to look a certain way. This is different than a woman taking pride in her own appearance, and refers to women who feel pressured to appear a certain way in order to be accepted. This is another painful burden that many women are carrying around, which can contribute to them feeling overwhelmed and opting for less healthier habits to self-soothe. Building trust over time can lead to her ultimately feeling comfortable enough to be her real, vulnerable self around you. This is accomplished slowly over time though, and when you see this happening, it is important to nurture her trust, not complain that she is letting herself go or becoming lazy.
That brings us to the "fit-chick" stereotype. We all see those women on IG or
TV or anywhere really, the "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"
girls, who by their very existence seem to make the rest of us "regular" chicks look and feel like crap. Not to knock these girls; they presumably work hard and should celebrate their success. However, just because a woman doesn't look like a fit-spiration model does not necessarily mean she is not fit, or healthy. By using physical appearance as the sole marker, we implicitly shame women whose body types will not allow them to conform to these standards no matter how much they work it out in the gym. Another unattainable goal which can serve to discourage rather than encourage or inspire woman to achieve health and wellness.
However, I do understand how for those who are about that fit life, it is imperative to have a partner who is on the same page. My suggestion then, is to find someone who is already there. Who already has those same values and lives a compatible lifestyle. This should be approached similar to the way you would approach other dating criteria. If you were vegetarian or into outdoors sports or if you were a dog person. Relationships can work when people don't have those things in common, but that mostly relies on each person's comfort level with being the only one in the relationship with that interest, and their ability to accept their partner for who they are. In some cases, particularly when one person is seeking to change the other, the strain of the differences in lifestyles can be too great and can later drive a wedge of contempt between the two otherwise compatible partners.
If you have something, that you'd like to ask us here at the Unfiltered Grind, hit us up in the comment, on Facebook, or email: SBO5P4sho@gmail.com
Get real with us about relationships, health & wellness (why so many women hate working out with their partners). [...] I, for one, if you know me, am all about being fit. We got one life and I will care for it in that manner. I would love my partner to want to work out but it seems several times, when women are younger especially, they feel like I don't need to do this for him, but it isn't for us sweetie. Yes, it can yield positive results on both ends, especially sexually and confidence. But you adding days or months perhaps to your youth/lifespan is priceless. ~D.W.
Excellent Feedback, D.W.!
It's great that you're into physical fitness. A lot of people (men and women both) admire that in a partner; and there certainly are a ton of benefits that go along with leading a healthful, fit lifestyle besides just looking great naked. I don't think this is something women are necessarily unaware of though. In order to answer your question, I believe we have to first take a look at the whole picture: what is fitness, what does that lifestyle look like for men and for women, what other factors are at play in the choices people make in regards to what they choose to put into their bodies. Being physically fit is just a small sliver of what can be a huge, complex issue for most women. Other components include body image, the media, external pressures, unattainable expectations, mental health and self esteem.
Ideally, fitness would be born out of a holistic approach to wellness of body, mind and spirit.
One thing it is important to realize is that weight and body image are fights most women have been having with themselves, and the whole world their entire lives. This is a part of why when a lover or partner shows up with what seems like a harmless suggestion, it can blow up right in your face. Many women have been conditioned to be on guard when the topic of their bodies is raised, and so even a well meaning comment can feel like a intimate attack. When our significant other asks "hey babe, why don't you come to the gym with me." or some other fitness related question, we most often translate that to yet another person who doesn't think we're good enough, or that physically our bodies meet their expectations.
When we are with our lovers, it is often crucial for our self esteem to have them view us as sexy and desirable already, as we are. Suggesting that we work out or change our eating is usually interpreted as a message to the contrary. Even when that is not the intent. This can also change the dynamic or feel of a relationship.
For example, when a someone asks me out, I generally interpret that to mean that they find me attractive (and I think most people would agree). We start dating and that is still my impression; but after a while, this person begins to critique my lifestyle, fitness routine (or lack thereof) and eating habits. My initial response is going to be somewhere along the lines of 'hey, you sure didn't seem to have any complaints before!' Guys frequently complain about women trying to change them, and yet this seems to be just another example of that. The bottom line is that change comes from within, and is only ever successful when the person does it because it is what they truly desire.
A response such as the one mentioned above (I don't need to work out for you!) is actually a pretty fair response when you look at the scenario in this context. The person making that statement most likely means or feels that if they wanted to work out, they would. Plain and simple. They are an adult after all and therefore we can safely assume that the concept of working out and/or eating healthier foods is not completely unfamiliar to them. So this suggestion, albeit well-meaning enough, seems pretty presumptuous and condescending.
What you may not know about this person, is how much they already do or have worked out. You most likely do not know what sort of struggle they've already been through when it comes to whipping their body into what is considered presentable shape.
This is what working out feels like for a large number of women.
Let me just lay it out for you. You're not helping your girl by telling her she needs to work out, or get in shape or lose weight, ever. Trust and believe that your woman has thought about her body. She has agonized over her size and her shape more than you could probably ever imagine. Even a woman with a healthy sense of self esteem is prone to occasionally falling into the cycle of picking herself apart. No matter how confident a woman appears, she is not above or out of reach of the barrage of body shaming media and rhetoric that contributes to women having low self esteem, body shame and eating disorders.
What she doesn't need is to feel that shame or negativity coming from her partner.
Another possibility is that a woman may feel uncomfortable working out with their guy because they want to show up sexy, not on the way there. Society places a lot of stress on us to be flawless. But nobody is flawless, so all this means is that we have to get better at hiding the things we perceive as flaws. If your woman is saying she doesn't want to work out with you, one reason could be that she doesn't feel comfortable letting you see her struggle. She may not want to be evaluated or judged by you while she works out. She wants to appear before you with her smoking hot bod, clothed in radiant confidence, and have you appreciate the finished product. Not critique the work in progress. This is one way that women self objectify. We accept the roles laid out in media and society that we somehow owe it to the world to look a certain way. This is different than a woman taking pride in her own appearance, and refers to women who feel pressured to appear a certain way in order to be accepted. This is another painful burden that many women are carrying around, which can contribute to them feeling overwhelmed and opting for less healthier habits to self-soothe. Building trust over time can lead to her ultimately feeling comfortable enough to be her real, vulnerable self around you. This is accomplished slowly over time though, and when you see this happening, it is important to nurture her trust, not complain that she is letting herself go or becoming lazy.
Sure, sweat is sexy. When it's rolling down the perfect six
pack abs of a blonde model who weights maybe all of 90lbs soaking wet.
But the reality is that most of us are not that girl. Hell, most of us
do not even want to be that girl.
Even when the message seems positive, the undertones are more of the same.
However, I do understand how for those who are about that fit life, it is imperative to have a partner who is on the same page. My suggestion then, is to find someone who is already there. Who already has those same values and lives a compatible lifestyle. This should be approached similar to the way you would approach other dating criteria. If you were vegetarian or into outdoors sports or if you were a dog person. Relationships can work when people don't have those things in common, but that mostly relies on each person's comfort level with being the only one in the relationship with that interest, and their ability to accept their partner for who they are. In some cases, particularly when one person is seeking to change the other, the strain of the differences in lifestyles can be too great and can later drive a wedge of contempt between the two otherwise compatible partners.
If you have something, that you'd like to ask us here at the Unfiltered Grind, hit us up in the comment, on Facebook, or email: SBO5P4sho@gmail.com
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