Once a Cheater?

I won't pretend to have all the answers about when it comes to what makes a good, successful and healthy relationship.  I can, however, with some degree of certainty talk about a few things that contribute to a relationship the complete opposite of that.  Starting with the big kahuna, cheating.  

I think that when we talk about failing relationships, infidelity is usually the first thing that comes to mind.  For most people, the thought of their lover/significant other running astray is the embodiment of every single nightmare, insecurity and fear all rolled up into one.

In order to understand cheating, we must start by examining the roots of these behaviors.  Because huge cheater trees don't just spring up over night.

If I had to list the top three factors that lead to cheating, I would say it boils down to: 

1) Lack of respect

2) Lack of honesty

3) Opportunity
 

Starting with respect.  While it is a huge part, a lack of respect does not just refer to your partner. Whether you are the one who is doing the cheating, or the one being cheated on, there are levels of disrespect at play.  This is actually something most people are quite aware of, at least on the surface. Oftentimes, when discussing a partner's unfaithful act, one will say something along the lines of "I can't believe (s)he disrespected me like this!"  However, in almost any other context, when we talk about respect we often say that it is something you have to give, in order to get back.  This concept also applies to ourselves.  See, there is another popular saying- that we teach others how to treat us.  

I am certainly not blaming the person who is being betrayed.  Cheating still is a conscious choice on the part of those who are engaging in the act itself, one that reflects solely on themselves and their sense of self worth.  

However, many people who have been unfortunate enough as to find themselves in this situation, will later admit that there were red flags along the way.  Things their partner did that stirred up their insecurities, rather than attempted to lay them to rest.  We also have our intuition.  This is a internal tool meant to protect us from exactly these and other hurtful situations, but we can choose to override this internal warning system.  And we do a lot of the time, because of fear.  Or, because of a lack of respect for ourselves.  Sometimes, the signs are there clear as day, and yet we disrespect ourselves by ignoring our own advice, our own intuition.  By insulting our intelligence in order to accept stories that don't make any sense.  By doubting that we deserve better. 

Cheating behaviors begin well before anyone touches, kisses or hops into bed with someone else; and it is the recognition and either acceptance or refusal of those seemingly small acts of disrespect that sets the scene for later, larger and more hurtful acts.

We all have to make our own choices in life.  That being said, you cannot make a person respect you.  Once they have take the steps to show you that the do not respect you, the only option you have is to accept or refuse to accept their behavior.  You cannot change their mind once they've made it up to be a disrespectful jerk.  Nor should you have to shoulder the burden of trying to prove to someone who supposedly cares about you that you are worthy of respect.  If they don't recognize this on their own, nothing you do will convince them.  The only thing you can do is walk away before they succeed in convincing you that you are somehow deserving of this treatment.

That brings us to our second point: Honesty.  Again, this seems like a no brainier, right?  Except, here I'm referring to the ways in which we are dishonest with ourselves.  Before the lies about where she's been or who's calling his phone at this ungodly hour, lies are being told to ourselves about why we're here in the first place, and what we want.

Oftentimes the pressure to get boo'ed up it too great, and we find ourselves in relationships, or situationships that we know good and goddamn well are not right for us.  We end up with people who don't fit with us.  They don't like the same things we like, they don't have the same goals that we have.  Or, maybe in our mind they do fit, with the ideal we have for future ourselves that is; and we're too scared to admit to ourselves that we're not there yet.  Like Big Sean said, What's the perfect girl, if it's not the perfect time?, right?  Instead of being honest with ourselves, and that person, we convince ourselves that we can be ready.  Or worse, that we can have our cake and eat it too, hold on to this awesome person and become awesome for them later, once we've gotten the game all out of our systems.

Once respect and honesty our out of the picture, the stage is set.  Then all it takes is opportunity. However, this last contributor is a trap.  What happens is that once those cheating behaviors begin and you take notice, if you are not careful, you can get sucked into this illusion that you can somehow prevent your lover from straying by limiting their opportunities.  Not true.  A person who has made up their mind (whether they're admitting it to themselves yet or not) to cheat, will create the opportunity.  

The myth that we can somehow deter this behavior and make someone be faithful to us is nothing more than a soul sucking lie.  If anything, it will trick you into debasing and disrespecting yourself in your desperation to eliminate something that cannot be destroyed by anyone other than those people involved in the cheating behaviors.  No amount of phone checking, Facebook profile sharing, password exchanging, popping up unexpectedly or spying will make someone hellbent on cheating change their mind.  If anything, it will only serve to reinforce the disrespect.  It will make it easier for you to stoop lower in the future, and easier for them to walk all over you when you do.

You are worth much more than that, and don't you ever forget it!

What's some of your thoughts or advice when it comes the big C?  
Share with us in the comments!