Mind your own private parts

  Why does this have to be said? It’s like one of those signs you see somewhere and have to ask yourself, “Why is that on a sign? Isn’t that common sense?” Signs such as, “Don’t touch the electrical wires.” Or “don’t pet the lions.” Perhaps you’ve even witnessed a grown man on MTV stapling his nut sack to his thigh then came a message saying, “don’t try this at home.” You’d think that anyone who knows how to read does not need these warnings but if it’s on a sign that means someone somewhere has tried it. It’s equally alarming that you have to tell grown ass people to mind their own private parts. We all learned at age two that they’re called private parts with private being the opprotive word.Yet here we are.

  Why does anyone give a fuck who’s doing what with who as long as they’re both grown? Sadly we care more about what grown people do with their own pee pee’s and cooty cats than what pedophiles are doing with non-adults. Seriously! Fucking zealots are marching and brandishing misspelled signs in protest to what other grown people do with their wee wee’s and down there’s. Meanwhile I have yet to hear about a protest against pedophilia but let someone take a piss without a birth certificate verifying they were born with the appropriate private parts and all hell breaks loose. It’s like they’ve never been to a mall with a family bathroom. You know those places where men and women can take their sons into the same bathroom that they’re changing their daughter’s diapers.  

   Hell it puts me at ease to have more people in the bathroom because it would actually deter rapist.  I hate that bigots try to cash in on the fear a woman has to contend with every time she goes to her car alone in the middle of the night. When she doesn’t know if that random guy is just going about his business or a potential threat. Even living alone poses a greater danger to women than walking into a well-lit public bathroom. If a rapist did want to stalk a woman into a bathroom he’d need only wait until it was empty all but for the woman he had designs on. He wouldn’t need to go to the trouble of putting on a dress or switching.

  I once knew a guy, a very bad liar, who spun a tale about a guy he knew in high school who pretended to be gay in order to use the girl’s bathroom. It’s hilarious because he must believe that women’s bathrooms are where women go to strip naked and have a water fight. If his friend actually did go into a girl’s bathroom in high school he’d have only seen girls putting on makeup and gossiping.

  The truth is that bigots are more concerned with hypothetical bathroom rapes than actual rapes. Brock Turner anyone? Where were the protesters when an actual rapist was set free after three months? Oh that’s right. They were too busy brandishing Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve signs with their fourth husband/wife. The audacity of a hypocrite shouting about the sanctity of marriage while snorting coke off a stripper’s ass is unparalleled. Except perhaps for the women and men that are self-proclaimed coochie police.

   They’re charged with insuring that a women does not seem to appear as if she thinking about looking like she has sex with too many men. As well as insuring that any women does not stay a virgin too long less she be labeled a prude with too high standards. So a women must have sex with exactly the right number of men which is relative so she can’t really win unless she appears to look like she may have saved herself for her husband. Of course no one could possibly know whether or not one has saved themselves for their husband. Or for that matter how many people anyone has had sex with unless they happened to have been present for that person’s every sexual encounter.

  Which of course is impossible unless you stalk them every second of every day without sleeping, eating or working. If it’s sounds confusing that’s because it is. It’s exhausting minding everyone else’s business but your own and sometimes boring just minding your own business. Yet keeping your mind on your own private parts can be very rewarding as it opens up the possibility of getting to use them more.