Fan Fiction: DC Comics-Frenemies, The Dark Night and the Man of Steel

  In honor of the much anticipated (by me, EEK!) Batman vs. Superman movie premiering 03/16/2015. I’ve decided to kick off my long imagined fan fiction where Batman teaches a helpless Kryptonite poisoned Superman hand to hand combat. But first he must teach him to simply use his own legs as one of us, a regular humanoid. Enjoy.

   In the outskirts of Illinois, beyond endless fields of grain and cows grazing is an unmarked, undocumented property of Lexcorp pitched in darkness. Away from prying eyes a light pores out of a lone window and the gleaming bald skull of Lex Luther can just be seen…

   “Are you certain it’s ready and safe,” said Lex finely attired in his custom made blue blazer, beige turtle neck, pristine slacks and penny loafers.

   “I’m certain, don’t tell me you’re going soft over a pretty face,” said the chemist as he handed the other a vile of clear fluid.

  “Never,” answered Lex, “She is a beauty for certain but that is not why she is my most prized acquisition.”

  “Whatever you say champ, throw in an extra few grand and I’ll mix you up a potent…let’s call it a love potion,” said the chemist with a waggle of his bushy white brows.

  “Well sir perhaps you are forced to rely on the help of your chemicals to woo the fairer sex but I’ve never had that problem,” came Lex.

   “Yes I’m sure your millions have a stronger sway than my chemicals ever could,”

  Lex’s response was a sly half grin as he fixed the chemist with an unnerving stare. “Touché’,” he finally answered. “Just know that if this damages my property I shall spare no expense hunting you and flaying you alive. There would be nowhere on earth you could hide.”

  “Dually noted, Lex. Dually noted,” said the chemist as he and Lex killed the only light in the unmarked building.

  “If it works I have big plans for your little creation. Imagine your artificial kryptonite as colorless, order less gas silently wafting through the streets of Metropolis.”

  “As long as the check clears, sonny boy. As long as the check cle....” The chemist was stopped mid sentence as a bullet tore through his skull.

   Inside a modest yet egregiously overpriced loft within Chicago’s infamous gold coast, the beautiful Kara-EL aka Supergirl zipped about making last minute adjustments to her date night ensemble.

 

Somehow being faster than a speeding bullet did not enable her to get dressed any faster than the average women. She thought and laughed at herself as she applied her fire engine red lip stick in the mirror. But she had a lot on her plate she reminded herself. After spending over ten years in suspended animations she’d finally awoken on this spinning blue marble and after seven years trying unsuccessfully to locate her charge, Kal-El. Though he was famous he was also fast and seemingly had no interest in entertaining another of his home world. So she gave up trying to make contact with him as he was intent on avoiding her and finally decided to do what this planet demanded of a women who was physically aged women of 22. Have some much needed fun.

  She’d been seeing her handsome suitor for several months now and things seemed to be getting serious. It did not matter to her that he was slightly older at 29 and already bald. His physique was still impeccably svelte and to top it off he was a man of means.  Not that his money mattered but after saving the free world every other day while working her butt off just to make ends meet it felt nice to be in the company of someone who didn’t have to squabble over every little penny as she did. She was broken from her reverie by the sound doorbell ringing.

   “Just a minute,” Kara called speeding towards the door. Looking out the peephole revealed the man that was fast becoming the love of her young life, Lex Luther. He was handsome, able bodied and oh so sure of himself. It meant the world to a women with as many secrets as she to be able to let her guard down even just a little. He didn’t flinch when she faltered and gave a glimpse of her super human strength. The last time he’d taken her to play tennis she’d hit the ball so hard with her racket it rocketed clean through one wall of his pool house out the other.  As she sat there sputtering an excuse he’d lightened the mood by joking about having to book her trainer.

  “You’re stunning,” were his first words as she opened the door. He immediately scooped her into his arms and squeezed her only to push her and arm’s length away and spin her around. “A sight for sore eyes for certain,” Lex finished.

  She giggled shamefully. “Tough week,” she asked looking upon him with sparking eyes as he stepped in. She noticed he held one of his arms behind his back and was immediately excited. He was always bringing her thoughtful little gifts, nothing expensive. Just things to show he was thinking of her.

  “The usual but I’d rather not discuss business in such enjoyable company,” with that he brought his hand from behind his back to reveal so many of her favorites, pink roses, pink champagne, and chocolates in a heart shaped pink boxed covered in pink frosting. Hot damn, she knew it was unforgivably cliché but she loved pink.

  “How about we wet our whistle before the opera, hmm?” Lex said with his trademark sideways grin.

  “Love to,” Kara-El responded zipping off to the kitchen for glasses. At the last minutes she remembered she was moving way too fast. He simply made her too comfortable. She had to focus extra hard to move at normal speed while he had her heart racing. But he didn’t seem to notice her lightning speed and she returned with the glasses at a normal pace to find him standing before her picture window with the panoramic view of the sparking city below.  He popped the cork as she approached and pored her a generous sampling of what she knew to be a fine bit of sparkling wine. She was feeling giddy so she had a big gulp before he’d taken so much a sip and produced another uncharacteristic giggle.

  It must have been a remarkably rare vintage because it seemed to hit her immediately but before she has a chance to process this duty called. As always it was at the worst possible moment but she was in fact Supergirl. Beneath her high rise a scene of abject terror was unfolding. Thankfully she happened to be standing before her picture window because for some reason she her super hearing seemed to be dulled by that single drink of Champaign. Before her very eyes she witnessed the hit and run of a lone pedestrian, had she not known the man below was injured and in dire straits she might have thought the entire scene staged.  
  “My goodness, don’t look darling. I’ll call for help,” said Lex.

 “Yes please do that. The man is in need of immediate medical attention. I just hope EMS arrives in time. There’s a hospital not five minutes away,” Kara said more to herself than to Lex. “I’m going to powder my nose, I can’t stand to look,” she then unconsciously made to zip into the rest room but it was as if her legs refused to cooperate so she ended up moving at a normal pace. She didn’t think much of it until she made it to her restroom and attempted to pry open her bathroom window. She knew it would nothing to fly down the eight flights get the injured man to the emergency room and be back in time for dinner with Lex. The only problem was the window wouldn’t budge. It was unfathomable, by now her strength should have ripped the window from it frame but it just wasn’t budging.

  “My darling are you well,” came Lex’s voice from behind the door. He didn’t wait for her answer before he opened the door holding a cool glass of water.

  “I’m sorry Lex I just don’t feel well,” Kara answered as she sat upon the toilet. She could have sworn she caught a glimpse of his trademark grin as he entered but before she process that thought he was the perfect picture of concern.”

  Downtown metropolis the inconsequential Clark Kent is going about his everyday life. His unneeded glasses pinch the bridge of his nose as his purposely ruffled hair falls beneath his glasses and into his eyes. His posture is slouched and his suit is cheap and ill fitting. He is purposely unremarkable in every way. Until he heard the cry of his fellow man in need and he sped into action.

  Thankfully it was near, thought Clark as he shed his ill-fitting suit in a cramped bathroom stale. Only as he burst out something was definitely off. He was missing his usual vigor. Still he made to rocket off the ground to survey the city for that person in need and to his shock he was still standing and though he could walk his feet never left the ground. It was maddening to hear the deafening cries of anguish in the distance but heartbreaking when the cries ceased and he had no way of know whether the women survived

That was until the Batmobile pulled up in front of him and the gratingly feigned voiced of Bruce Wayne emitted from its speakers.

  “Nice work standing there uselessly Man of Steel, not to worry the women is safe.”

 If ever Clark wished to rocket into the sky and be away it was this moment.

 “Get in if you’d like me to save your tail again. That is before the word gets out to your enemies that you’re currently a powerless sitting duck.”

 Clark had no choice but to reach for the passenger door of the Batmobile only to have Batman drive an inch away before he could reach it.
  “I’m sorry,” came Wayne’s screeching “Batman” voice from within. “I thought you had it.” Only when Clark reached out again the Batmobile moved an inch out of his reach once more. Then there was the grating laughter of Wayne’s “Batman” voice once more. The gut wrenching laugher continued as Clark stood there like a fool waiting for Wayne to allow him into the car.

  “Seriously this time get in, they’re coming,” and this time the Batmobile stood still so Clark could open the door.

  “Your welcome,” were Wayne’s first words as he sat down.

“Is this your doing,” Clark responded as the Batmobile sped down the street and the car’s wheels retracted giving way to jets so that the car took to the air.

  “Of course not! Though I’m really enjoying it. I had nothing to do with this. The Batmobile is picking up large amount of some synthetic chemical. The very air of metropolis is infused with something akin to kryptonite which is why you’re powerless.”

 Clark wanted to knock the so called dark knight from the driver’s seat but he felt as weak as a new born kitten and before he knew it he was fast asleep.

  He woke up in far better condition. His super strength returned to him as he saw the twinkling lights of Gotham spread out before him.

  “Easy there, you’re still recovering.”

  “I have to get back to metropolis,” Clark said.

“To do what, watch as crime takes place. The whole place has kryptonite wafting through the atmosphere. I won’t have time to come back and save your behind.”

  “Why are you making that stupid voice? It’s only the two of us here and I know who you are Bruce Wayne.”

  “Simmer down Kent! I came offer you a lesson so that you're slightly less useless in situations like this.”

“What do you…” Clark began as he felt his powers drain from him once more. Before he knew it the Batmobile was landing in front of one of Batman’s beloved caves and Wayne stepped out to open his door so that he spilled out onto the dirt.

  “The cave, like your beloved metropolis is infused with a synthetic form of kryptonite slightly stronger than the hybrid floating around your city but much weaker than the real thing.

  “You bastard,” Clark barely managed to say as he lay sprawled on the dirt packed earth. “It’s poison to me.”

  “It’s not poison you big super human baby. It just neutralizes you, makes you one of us. If one of your enemies has cracked the key to your weakness others will catch on quick. You need to learn how to function as a normal human being on this planet and when you’ve got that down I’ll teach you how to fight. Your welcome.”

  The man of steel didn’t answer as he lay drooling in the dirt.

 “Yeah, yeah, when you figure out how to walk like a human dinner is served by at 7pm sharp.”

Stay tuned for episode two when the man of steel begins his lessons in hand to hand combat from the Gotham Knight…that is if he ever masters the art of walking.